Reasons, Maybe

We were so similar, I think
Too similar, in fact
That we were asking the same things
At the same time
When we both had none to give.

We got familiar, I think
Too familiar, in fact
That we thought were were sailing smoothly
When the truth is
We weren’t.

We got comfortable, I think
Too comfortable, in fact
That we thought this love would conquer all
When the truth is
We’re just young and gullible like everybody else.

You might say it isn’t me
Or that you want to be alone
Or that there is something wrong with you
Or that you just don’t know what that exactly is
But you cannot stop me from thinking
That it probably is me.
Something I said, or didn’t
Something I did, or didn’t
Something I am, or am not.

They say you’d be back
But I don’t know, really
There must be something with me, something I lack
And you probably know exactly

They say you’d be back
And with all my heart, yes I do honestly hope so
But at the same time
Knowing you, and how you are now
You probably wouldn’t
And that is the truth I’m scared to face.

They say you’d be back
Maybe it is a trap
For me to hope and wait
But then again such thing isn’t needed
For I’d do that without anyone asking.

We got too similar, familiar, comfortable
It must be me or something I am not
Still, they say you’d be back
And though my mind says no
As long as my heart keeps says keep hoping,
I shall.

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Dear You

How quick is it for you
To turn so cold on me
To throw me to the other side of the curtain,
Totally devoid of any affection
Or any emotion at all,
Totally rejected,
With my heart breaking at the seams,
When you have completely moved on,
In just a snap of a finger?

How quick is it for you
To sit still with no expression on your face
While I sit in utter disbelief,
For you to smile and wave good bye,
While I’m holding back the tears?

And perhaps what hurts is,
The fact that you’ve slowly drifted away
And moved on
Without me knowing,
Without you telling.

And perhaps what hurts is
The fact you said you love me
When you didn’t anymore
What for?

And perhaps what hurts is
The fact that you are so sure
That you made me feel
That I matter so little now
That you can sit still in the presence of my grief
And not do anything except to cause it.

And perhaps what hurts is
The fact that you made me feel
So unimportant
So trivial
So mundane
So different
From days ago,
Then just go.

And what hurts the most
Is that I love you still
And no matter how hard I try
To hold onto you
You’d always pull back harder, away.

The fact is that
No matter what I say
No matter what they say
No matter what you say
I still love you,
I still do.

Of Love, Of Loss

Remember the time I said
Your love was like the sunshine
Slowly seeping past my curtains,
While I was sleeping,
Til I wake up from its warmth on my cheek?

Remember the time I said
Your love was like a quiet melody
Passively playing in the background
Til it becomes the only thing I hear?

Turns out—

Your love is the sunshine
As at the end of the day,
It’d slowly move away,
Impervious of how I feel,
Of what I need,
Of what I thought I’d given you.

Your love is the song,
With its highs and lows and changing melodies
With the music slowly playing softly,
Fading til it’s gone.

It’s heartbreaking, you know?

It was as if I started out holding your hands,
Without the idea that–
They’d turn to sand and no matter how tight I hold,
You’d end up gone in the end.

It’s difficult to believe–

That you blame all these to yourself,
That I am not the one at fault,
For sure I am, at some point.

It’s easy to pretend–

That I’m so hurt I’d never take you back,
When in truth I want you more than anything else,
That I’m moving on just as you are,
When in truth I am waiting that you’d be back,
That I won’t take you back,
When in truth it’s the only thing I’d ever want.

But then–

I can only hope,
And wait,
And write.

I can only sing,
And live,
And stay.

I know—

You won’t read this,
Not ever.
You won’t hear me,
Not ever–
Not even now, not even then,
Never.

The Morning After

It hurts so much
That there is nothing I wouldn’t do,
Yet nothing I could do
To keep you
To make you stay
Or make you love me still.

It hurts so much
That the good night’s
And I love you’s
Started coming less and less
Until they abruptly stopped.

It hurts so much
That every single thing
Is tied to the memory of you,
Of me, of us,
Of none of those anymore.

It hurts so much
That all the things you said
And promised,
All the things I believed,
Would have to be buried,
Away from remembering.

It hurts so much
That I trusted everything onto you,
The fact that you said you’d never leave,
And see it all crumbling before my eyes.

It hurts so much
That I lashed out every single feeling that I have–
Every sorrow, every joy,
Every anger, every love–
To you and only to you,
Confident in my thinking
That I could bare it all
Without you leaving.

It hurts so much
That I want nothing—
Nothing else but you
And I can’t have that
I can’t have you,
Not anymore.

It hurts so much
That I do not understand
Why it all came to this
How it all came to this.

It hurts so much
That there is nothing I can do
Because I believed you.

It hurts so much
To know,
To hear, to read
That you don’t know
If you love me still,
That I can do nothing, still–

It hurts so much
That in my dream
I was chasing you to be mine again,
Waking up to realize,
I don’t even get that chance,
To chase you, to fight for you,
I don’t even get that chance.

It hurts so much
But then again, this is me,
And my life that’s never meant to be happy,
My life that could get so high
Only to plunge back to where it came from.

This is life,
And the fact that it’d keep happening, I—
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much.

26Jan2016

Naniwala ako.
Sa lahat.
Sa lahat lahat lahat.

Ginawa ko.
Ang lahat.
Ang lahat lahat lahat.

Pero bakit ganon?
Bakit hindi?
Bakit?

Hindi ko alam.
Hindi ko na alam.
Di ko na malalaman pa.

Sisi.
Hindi ako nagsisi.
Bakit hindi.

Sakit.
Ang sakit sakit sakit.
Bakit?

Mahal.
Kasi mahal kita.
Higit pa sa sarili ko, alam ko yan.
Alam mo ba?

Pili.
Dahil sa lahat lahat,
Ikaw ang pinili ko, alam mo yan.
Naaalala mo ba?

Hindi.
Baka hindi.
Siguro hindi.
Sana oo.

Hindi.
Tila hindi.
Sa dulo, hindi.
Hindi naniwala.
Hindi ginawa.
Hindi nagsisi.
Hindi nasaktan.
Hindi na mahal.
Hindi pinili.
Hindi.
Hindi na.
Hindi na.
Hindi na.

11:36

Oras.
Oras ang binilang ko.
Oras rin ang hinintay ko.
Oras rin akong nabigo.

Oras.
Oras ang binibilang ko.
Oras rin ang hinihintay ko.
Oras rin akong nabibigo.

Oras.
Oras ang bibilangin ko.
Oras rin ang hihintayin ko.
Oras rin akong mabibigo.

Wednesday, Jan 20 2016

A lot has been written about this subject that I feel that me writing this is redundant and moot at this point. However, I feel the need to do so because it seems like writing things down is the best way for me to communicate with myself. So yes, I am writing this mostly for myself. Perhaps for some selfish reasons, but also because I don’t expect this to help anyone in anyway. I just don’t think I’m inspirational enough for that.

Living with depression is like constantly being at sea, with no assurance if and when the next wave comes back, if you still have an anchor attached to your ankle weighing you down, if you can swim on your own this time, if you need help– and if you do, how much, and ultimately, what happens after. Of course you’d want to survive, but the question is, would it change you this time, and if it does, to what extent and how?

It’s been almost a week since I felt it creeping in. It was about the same time, coincidentally, when I received an email from one of the psychiatrists I was considering to consult, asking me if I still need help. I haven’t replied yet, until now, because I’m not completely sure if I do. So here are the things that I have learned to do to keep myself functioning well, to say the least.

First is to tell yourself that things are probably just normal and that they’re just a lot worse and scarier in your mind. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about almost everything, and the first time it happened to me, I literally left a place because it was too much for me to handle. I was physically unable to do everything because the thought of everything going bad was just too much that it leaves me unable to move or do anything  productive at all.

Second is to allow yourself to be honest with how you feel. There were times in the previous week when I would just feel sad or start crying without any reason why. There probably is a reason for it, but I haven’t worked that out yet, so the most that I can do is to admit that I am crying for reasons completely unknown to me, and that’s okay. As long as I just let it out and not dwell on in, I should be fine. Sometimes, pain is just too much that there are no words for it, and all you could do is cry. I try to write it down, and still, after years of trying, I haven’t completely encapsulated it into a single piece. But that’s kinda what makes it beautiful, isn’t it? The fact that the attempt to write it down, and the failure to do so, is what keeps me writing, and as long as I write, I feel better. Sometimes I listen to really cathartic songs, and after crying, it just makes me feel a lot better and a lot more motivated to stay happy and afloat. There are times when I just want to sing, or draw, or write, or play the guitar, or read while listening to music, I don’t know. As long as it is a positive activity, I think it’s ok . The same goes for any emotion, actually. I guess the key is to find what works for you– any way for you to let your emotions out.

Third, as always, is to appreciate the small moments in life. As I promised myself a few years back, I do not want a glamorous life, or an extravagant one. I just want a quiet life for me and my loved ones. And that means finding the beauty on the simplest things. I have learned to slow down a busy day by finding time to eat a hearty meal and having a cup of tea. I have learned to focus on that small feeling in my heart when my partner holds my hands (which hopefully is not heart arrhythmia hahaahahah).

Fourth is just be yourself. I have a weird way of saying things, slightly dark humor, and a whole lot more, and I know that not everyone could tolerate me as much as my friends and family do. That’s why it’s important to be yourself especially around people who know you. This way, you’d know that you may feel down, or you’re not completely alright, but that’s okay because that’s what our relationships are for. It might not be the case for everyone, but a t least for me, the mere thought that I have these wonderful people around me just makes me feel that no matter how deplorable I see myself to be, there are still those who think otherwise, and would really stick with me. And what better way to show my gratitude by trying harder to love myself? Yes, it is true that we must love ourselves, but it’d be hypocritical of me to say that I never needed another reason to do so. I sometimes feel like I cannot even live with myself, and it is only for their sake that I try my best not to let myself down. Again, it possibly isn’t the case for anybody else, but it works for me, and at least is an interesting perspective to look at.

Fifth, take care of yourself. There is nothing like a nice shower to start or end your day. Sometimes, I feel so lifeless and unmotivated so I just lay in bed doing nothing. Then things change when I get up and take a shower. Just take time to take care of yourself. Doesn’t it feel good to feel so fresh after a shower, then eat something nice or read something interesting afterwards, preferably with a nice drink of your choice? This also includes reminding yourself that you might not be completely alright, but the world doesn’t stop for that. There are students to teach, evaluations and plans to write, I have an indoor plant whose little life relies on me, and people who’d worry about me if I don’t take care of myself. So yes, again, if I cannot take care of myself for my own sake, at least for this time, I must do so for others’.

Sixth is to allow yourself to make mistakes once in a while. For the past few months I had gotten a pretty good standing in my job, and I can say that I’m doing pretty well. However, it came with a little more responsibility and a little more stress. It gets me at times, but I have to remind myself that as a young individual, I am bound to make mistakes. Not as an excuse for anything wrong that I could possibly make in the future, but because I know that I am just bound to. I tend to rush into things sometimes, or get into something too much, or anything else that could possibly screw me up in some ways, and I have to accept that it’s gonna happen. Just like this time, I’m just rambling on and on and I totally lost my structure but heck, I just wanna write. I’m not planning to submit it for anything whatsoever soooooo yeah.

Seventh, is to not push yourself too much. Yes, we must persevere to achieve what we want, but anything excessive is bad. Case in point is this very thing I’m writing now. I cannot think of anything else to write about, as these seem to be all that’s in my mind for now. I’m stopping here because there’s no use in pushing my mind to think of things I’d pretend to help someone else. And also because I have a class in a few minutes.

To anyone who managed to read up to this part, thank you so much. I really have to stop writing now. Please do share your thoughts if you so desire. Have a good day!