Apologies

Perhaps it was an apology I needed
To know I wasn’t the only one
Who didn’t keep their end of the deal.
To know I wasn’t the only one
Who caused this fall-out.
To know I wasn’t the only one
Who let myself down,
Who let others down.

Or maybe it’s just pyre
For my pride
For my ego
For me.
To know it wasn’t my fault
Not completely
And the universe has to pay its debt
And I must reap what is due to me
For I have paid mine
And it’s the universe’s time.

But whatever it is
For whatever reasons,
The fact of the matter remains.

It was an apology I needed
To forgive myself
To finally tell myself “It’s okay,”
Knowing
Somehow
Partially
It is.
It was an apology I needed
Though I got it for different reasons
From yours for giving them.
It was an apology I needed
To let myself go
But I couldn’t
Until now.
I cannot do it
Without going back
To the times I was nothing
Holding onto nothing.
And I’ve worked so hard
On this patched version of me
This makeshift version of me
Worked so hard
To make me functional
To make me slightly better
Than I was before.
To make me happy
Somehow
With what I’ve built up so far.

So no.
No need to apologize to me.
But yes
If it helps you forgive yourself.
And I want you to.
I hope you do.
Because I lived that part for so long
Until now
Somehow
And it’s not a cozy home.
So yes
If it helps you forgive yourself.

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