Our Neighbors are Lighting Fireworks Right Outside the Door

It’s New Year’s Eve and everyone’s spending time with their loved ones. Anyone but me. Because I’m here, in front of the computer, slowly accepting the fact that I have no one to be with during this holiday season. Apparently, from now on til God-knows-when.

Well, at least, I have some half-formed plans for tomorrow: go out (for a change), take some pictures, and get more inspiration for my poems. Really, I’d need other thoughts in my head than unhealthy reasons why I’m alone right now.

Every now and then, my typing gets interrupted by notifications– likes, posts, yadda yadda yadda. But none of these really matter. I don’t want to know how many people like my photo. On my good days, probably yes. But during these times, I could care less. Because for them, they are just scrolling down their respective newsfeeds when they came across my photo, but when they turn around, they’d see their family members and loves ones, gathered around the table, or couch, or whatever. Me? I have to face the computer and distract myself with anything– typing, music, movies, games– just to avoid seeing the rather empty living room around me. I have to put my earphones on, and choose the least lonely feeling song I could think of, crank the volulme way up high, to drown out the sound of the firecrackers, and the voices of people welcoming the new year with their loved ones. Twenty five people liked my photo in a span of a few minutes. But who the hell cares? It won’t supply me with the company I need.

So, there. Going back to what I was saying.

Sure, I have friends. But the thing is, they HAVE to be with their respective families. Of course. So, now I officially declare that I have no one for myself but me. It’s embarrassing to admit, yeaaaah. But that’s it. At this point, I start considering being friendly even with the guys who creep the hell out of me just to have someone to talk to. But at least, the sane part of my mind (together with my pride. Stupid pride, though sometimes helpful) would always keep me from doing that. Thank goodness.

How my life came to this, I can only describe as a series of fucked up events and my suppressed emotions and denial and effective acting that I’m actually happy with my life. So, I wouldn’t be really surprised if I spend the following days curled up in bed under my blanket.

Oh, it’s 2014 now. Yay.

I do not know where this leads me. I guess I’ll just have to find out. It’s so noisy outside, and I don’t know if I am actually smelling or just imagining the smell of the firecrackers. But those are moot points. The big thing is that I do not want to be reminded of what is happening outside. Maybe I should stop typing. But if I do, I’d have nothing else to do that will distract my mind. Great.

Start the new year with your classic bad day. Good job, Andy. This is one slippery slope you’d have to escape as quickly as possible.


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