Doctor’s Orders

For months I struggled.
Eat half an hour late and I throw up.
Eat too early and I throw up.
Eat a little too much and I throw up.

It is worst in the morning.
Oversleep for an hour.
Is that bile?
Try to compensate and eat something substantial.
Feel full for minutes and spit the same thing out–
Back up the same passage it came in.

Eat and sit still.
Sit straight.
Slide down a little and forget for a few minutes.
Is it coming back up?
Sit up. Sit up.
Would be worse if it does.

No pesky H. pylori.
Not a trace,
Just a ton of skipped meals.
Of overcompensated,
Unscheduled meals.
Is it stress related? Maybe.

Caused by stress.
Causes stress.

For now I try.
Meals — never skip, never rush.
Water — lots of it.
Stress — I try, I try.

I haven’t been back to her office.
She says I would be fine.
I hope, I hope.

You’re the Only One I Know

You are the only one I know
Who’d keep childhood toys with them
Yet you’re the only one I know
Who’d leave them with me when I get lonely.

You’re the only one I know
Who’d have a heart
Probably softer than mine, and yet–
You’re the only one I know
Who showed how beautiful that could be.

You’re the only one I know
Who’d cry each night, each call
Yet you’re the only one I know
Who’d hold me when I start to fall.

You’re the only one I know
Who had made feel this bliss
Yet you’re the only one I know
Who’d told me it’s the other way around.

You’re the only one I know,
And I want you to know
You’re the only one I know
And that’s all that matters the most.

Confessions of an Estranged Daughter

No matter what I do,
No matter what I say,
No matter how tough I act,
I’d still be that little girl.

No matter how I think,
No matter how I live,
No matter what I tell myself,
I’d still be that little girl.

I thought I’d let you go,
The thought of you,
The you that I knew,
The you that I longed for.

I thought I’d forgotten you,
Got rid of you,
And all the love and pain
I felt for you.

But no,
I still am that little girl
Who’d come crying at the sound of your voice,
I still am that little girl.

I still am that little girl,
And I, cannot for once stop myself from saying,
I still care about you,
I still miss you,
I still love you.

I still am that little girl,
Your little girl,
And I always will be.

Face

This is the face I make
When I wear my heart on my sleeve,
When I bare my soul on my face,
When I let it all out,
For anyone keen enough to notice.

This is the face I make
When I’m down on my luck
When I pull the shortest draw
When everyone’s swimming while I drown,
If anyone cares to notice.

This is the face I make
When I feel the whole world looking
When I feel the whole world knowing
What dark hole I’m in
Hoping no one would notice.

This is the face I make
When perhaps through it all
I’d think to myself that it isn’t I alone,
That I don’t have the monopoly of pain,
That everyone suffers as much, or less, or even more than I do.

This is the face I make
When I know that this is the face everyone makes
When you try to put on a straight face, a brave face
When you try to hide what you wish someone would see,
This is the face we make.

In My Mind

In my mind, there is chaos.
In my mind, there is peace.
In my mind, there is no in between.

In my mind, the answer is no.
In my mind, the answer is yes.
In my mind, the answer is never maybe.

In my mind, it is black.
In my mind, it is white.
In my mind, it is never gray.

In my mind, there is.
In my mind, there isn’t.
In my mind, there is no in between.

In my mind, I am doomed.
In my mind, I am dead.
In my mind, I am saved.

You Are That Kind Of Love

You are that kind of love
That settles itself down the bottom of my heart
Like the way light seeps into the windows,
Resting, warming up my pillows.

You are that kind of love
That takes over me, slowly, gracefully
Like milk dancing on a cup of coffee,
Making its way through the morning.

You are that kind of love
That warms me up from inside
Like a little hug from the heart,
And out my back, arms, and cheeks.

You are that kind of love
That made its way in quietly, without me knowing
Like the dark following the sunset,
And you’d only see it,
Once it stares at you right in the face.

You are that kind of love
That makes me believe again,
Not from my mind, but from my mind–
You are that kind of love.

Bump

Bump.
Tiny little lump.
Blooming inside.
Or maybe just in the mind.

Bump.
Tiny little lump.
I’m just a pup myself.
Don’t come yet to bed.

Bump.
Tiny little lump.
There is no need to rush.
No need to happen, hush.

Bump.
Tiny little lump.
Give me a present, please don’t be here.
No, not anytime near.

Bump.
Tiny little lump.
Give me a little time.
So I can be best for you, when you are mine.