03072016

I lie awake in bed, staring at the ceiling. Here, in my rented room, alone, on my own with no one to depend on but a few friends. While my classmates and batchmates make something out of their lives, or maybe having family dinners or whatnot,  I lay here, in the solitude I found under the sheets, with nothing to hear but the sound of a distant dog’s bark, the stillness of the night, and the hum of my fan.
I still wonder, seventeen years after they asked me the same question in kindergarten,  what do I want to be when I grow up?
On one side, I want to be a teacher. Teach kids and touch younger people’s lives; show them there is much more in life than the numbers and letters on their test papers. On the other side, I want to research. Just study and spend grueling hours to find related literatures, trying to find out what to make out of the information I find — what do they agree on, disagree on?  Still on another side, I want to draw. I want to draw, paint, create — I want to put my thoughts into pictures, put colors in the gray areas of my mind. And yet, on another side, I want to sing. I want to grab the guitar and sing at the top of my lungs in complete abandonment; sing until all I feel are nothing but air I breathe in and out in time with the tune, where the words reflect my heart and mind without telling anyone because I’m using another artist’s song, because I’m still too scared to make my own in fear that it’d strike too close to home. And in yet another side, I want to write. I want to write of the things people have forgotten about, how my country has changed, how people have changed.
And yet, here I am, lying on my bed. Because I have made myself too small, too unimportant to think that what I think is of any important.  Because I have let myself believe that my voice is too small,  too soft, too sweet to sound good. Because I have led myself to think that I am nothing but a young adult, and I have nothing to show for it because people think I am wasting my talent, instead of getting out there. Because I’d rather lie in bed than face the fact that I might stumble ot get rejected or fail.
But no. I have done enough of that. Because I am on my own, I can do anything. I can write, I can sing, I can write, I can research,  I can teach. Because I take the reins, I decide what to do with my life. Whatever other people think, it matters so little now.
So yes, I’d pick up the pen and start writing, or drawing. I’d grab the guitar and sing my heart out — if my neighbors could hear me, might as well sing well to make it worth their time. I’d continue writing, and from now on, about anything I want to write on. I have done a great offense to myself, trying to sink all my ideas down the drain because o thought I was too inconsequential to voice them out anyway. 
I still have no idea what I want to be. Or maybe it’s because I was asking the wrong question all along. Maybe, instead of trying to limit myself into one thing, I could do all that I want. Maybe instead of putting myself into a box called “teacher,” I could put myself out there and be ALL that I want to be. Maybe instead of thinking I’m a Jack of all trades, master of none, I could make myself better to reach my full potential in all the things I want to do. Maybe I feel like I am a mediocre because I allowed myself to be.
So here I am, still lying in bed. I will get up, take a shower and make myself something to eat. Then I’d clean my room and do one thing at a time. And when it’s dark and I have done all the things I could today, I’d lie down in bed, again, feeling better, knowing that I didn’t do myself a disservice. And in the morning I’d wake up and do the same.
My dad once said that there isn’t a single path to where we wanna go. Others take a more direct path, others don’t. He said every person has his own path, and it is rather useless to compare yours to others. It has taken me years to fully understand this. But now, I am independent,  and my life is in my hands. I am on my own, and it isn’t scary — it’s amazing, it’s exciting, it’s crazy. I will never know what lies ahead, but what I do know is that I can make it through. And I guess, that is all that I ever need to know.

21062016

Hold her hand, tight
And when things get tough,
Hold her tighter.

Hold her, don’t let go
Only to come back again,
Don’t do that to her.

Hold her, at night
When she can utter the words right,
Don’t let her cry herself to sleep —

Hold her.

Keep her,
And when things go rough
Always see the reason to keep her.

Keep her, don’t let go
Only to see if she’d take you back,
Don’t do that to her.

Keep her, day and night,
When you think she’s difficult,  and so are you —

Keep her.

Love her, right
Love her more than you loved me,
More than you ever will.

Lover her, don’t let go,
Like how you pulled me out of the dark,
Love her.

Love her,
Make sure she knows it,
Love her the way she is, not how she measures against others, just —

Love her.

Choose her, always
Choose her as much as you want her to choose you,
Choose her.

Choose her,
But never make yourself a choice,
Choose her.

Choose her,
The way the sun chooses to shine in the east,
Always, and warm, comforting and sure–

Choose her.

This is Why We Broke Up

This is why we broke up.
Not because of distance,
Or time,
Or the distance between our times,
It was more than than–
It was that you came and went far too many times,
And I, always welcoming, let you in.

 

 
It was that I let you in far too many times,
That I forgot how you leaving wounded me too deeply,
How I willing I was to be wounded, thinking
It was the price to pay to be with you.

 

 
It was that I got wounded deeply, far too many times
That I forgot how to trust you lovingly,
That I take you in, half thinking,
Wondering when you’re leaving, again,
And if you do,
Would it be for good?
If not, when are you coming back?

 

 

It was that you think you’re unworthy
Regardless of what I say
Regardless of what I do
Regardless of how much I wanted you to stay.

 

 

It was that you think you’d disappoint me
Until I told you nothing else mattered then,
If I could be with you–
That’s when you realized, it never mattered
Long as you could be with me.

 

 

But it’s too late now,
We’re past that now, or so we say
We have surrendered, you and I
Burned out too quickly when we were young and foolish,
Got hurt too much when we were brave and fearless.

 

 

It’s too late now,
For you have pushed away me far too much,
Far too many times,
And I could not choose you,
When you give me away.

 

What is it now, then?
What are we now, then?
When there is this love we cannot abandon,
When we cannot act for we do not know what we want–

 

 

This is why we broke up.

 

This Time

Let’s try this again.
One more try.
And this time,
At the same time,
Let’s both let go.
Let’s both move on.
Let’s both forget.

 

Let’s both accept
What cannot be
Means not what could’ve been;
What cannot be
Means not what should’ve been.

 

Let’s both remember
That what we had before
Was just right at that time,
And it was our wrong to think
It would ever be enough.

 

Let’s both forget
What we both hoped and dreamt;
What we both said and felt.
As they are nothing but dead wishes now,
One we must bury, but can’t.
One that must have been, but can’t.

 

Maybe it was frustration, love
Distance too, and time;
Fate has not been kind to us,
For it allowed to meet
What cannot be.
Fate has not been kind to us,
For it let us love
Whom we cannot meet.

 

Let’s try this again,
Together
At the same moment.
Forgive our misgivings,
Forget our feelings.

 

Let’s try this again,
Together.

26052016

I told you
I would’ve waited
I could’ve waited.
No need to rush,
I will wait, hush-
You swore promises
You broke too soon,
A little too much.

 

I told you
What we would’ve been
What we could’ve been.
No need to rush,
I will wait, hush-
You gave up,
Gave up too soon,
A little too much.

 

I told you
I keep telling you, keep telling myself,
The could haves and would haves-
They probably aren’t should haves.
Not here, not now.

 

I told you
I am not for you
As much as you are not for me,
But you know ’tis a lie.
You know I meant none of it;
Just a lie I tell us
To make it a little better,
As much as you lie
That my happiness is yours, too
And nothing else.

 

I told you.
Go see others.
You probably are.
And it hurts.

 

I told you.
Be happy, without me.
You probably are.
And it hurts.

 

I told you.

24052016.

Please don’t talk to me
As if I have done nothing right,
As if I am a complete failure;
Because I have done that myself already.

 

Please don’t talk to me
As if I am nothing but a disappointment,
As if I know nothing;
Because I have done that myself already.

 

Please don’t talk to me
As if I am unworthy of love,
As is I am the bottom rung;
Because I have done that already.

 

Please don’t talk to me
As if I did nothing but fail,
As if I never tried;
Because I have done that already.

 

Please don’t talk to me that way,
It cuts to the core, it does,
Words pass but the wounds do not,
Please don’t talk to me that way.

 

Please don’t talk to me that way,
For I could only take so much,
I wouldn’t say when is too much;
I just might walk away.

 

Please don’t talk to me that way,
Please don’t tell me how to think, in what way,
Please don’t talk to me that way,
Else I cannot promise I’d stay.

20Apr16

Let’s lay down all the rules, you and I
Tell me what makes you hope, what makes you sigh
Tell me what make you look up the sky;
Why you’re too scared to fly.

 

Let’s lay down all the rules, you and I
And I’ll tell you all there is to know,
The chest where all hidden words are kept,
Traces of tear on the last place I wept.

 

Let’s lay down all the rules, you and I
And break then one by one
Lay on the shattered glasses that keep us apart
Pick up the shards, build a new one instead.

 

Let’s lay down all the rules, you and I.
Let’s see the light that would shine through
The cracks and slits, tell me this is true
Let’s lay down all the rules and break them up.

 

We lay down all the rules, you and I.
Broke them all, you and I.
This madness, this flame,
It was so perfect it burned you down, but I–

 

I am here.
In the shards.
Unscathed with nothing but the wound from your silence.

 

I am here.
You’re nowhere near.
I am here, nowhere near.