Things in Lieu of You

Fictional stories
Replaced emptied inboxes;
Songs and melodies
Instead of silly phone calls.

Blank ceiling and walls
In lieu of that smile;
A hand to my heart
Instead of my head to your chest.

Dreamless slumber
In place of sleepless bliss;
Cups of tea
Instead of drowning in the thoughts of you.

Deep sigh from the chest
In place of songs from the heart;
Silent nights in bed
Replaced warm embraces and tangled arms and legs.

Songs under my breath,
Words falling on deaf ears;
Verses to which I give birth,
Air passing by blind eyes.

Oh.

Oh.
It is the sound you make
When your heart shatters into thousands of pieces
And the patch of promises peels off
Revealing a gaping hole of broken ones.

Oh.
It is the sound you make
When no words could piece together
The thoughts and pictures rumbling through your mind.

Oh.
It is the sound you make
When there is nothing to do, nothing you could ever do
But leave things as they are.

Oh.
It is the sound you make
When your heart is left hanging
When you are sentenced to bleed to death.

Oh.

Reasons, Maybe

We were so similar, I think
Too similar, in fact
That we were asking the same things
At the same time
When we both had none to give.

We got familiar, I think
Too familiar, in fact
That we thought were were sailing smoothly
When the truth is
We weren’t.

We got comfortable, I think
Too comfortable, in fact
That we thought this love would conquer all
When the truth is
We’re just young and gullible like everybody else.

You might say it isn’t me
Or that you want to be alone
Or that there is something wrong with you
Or that you just don’t know what that exactly is
But you cannot stop me from thinking
That it probably is me.
Something I said, or didn’t
Something I did, or didn’t
Something I am, or am not.

They say you’d be back
But I don’t know, really
There must be something with me, something I lack
And you probably know exactly

They say you’d be back
And with all my heart, yes I do honestly hope so
But at the same time
Knowing you, and how you are now
You probably wouldn’t
And that is the truth I’m scared to face.

They say you’d be back
Maybe it is a trap
For me to hope and wait
But then again such thing isn’t needed
For I’d do that without anyone asking.

We got too similar, familiar, comfortable
It must be me or something I am not
Still, they say you’d be back
And though my mind says no
As long as my heart keeps says keep hoping,
I shall.

Dear You

How quick is it for you
To turn so cold on me
To throw me to the other side of the curtain,
Totally devoid of any affection
Or any emotion at all,
Totally rejected,
With my heart breaking at the seams,
When you have completely moved on,
In just a snap of a finger?

How quick is it for you
To sit still with no expression on your face
While I sit in utter disbelief,
For you to smile and wave good bye,
While I’m holding back the tears?

And perhaps what hurts is,
The fact that you’ve slowly drifted away
And moved on
Without me knowing,
Without you telling.

And perhaps what hurts is
The fact you said you love me
When you didn’t anymore
What for?

And perhaps what hurts is
The fact that you are so sure
That you made me feel
That I matter so little now
That you can sit still in the presence of my grief
And not do anything except to cause it.

And perhaps what hurts is
The fact that you made me feel
So unimportant
So trivial
So mundane
So different
From days ago,
Then just go.

And what hurts the most
Is that I love you still
And no matter how hard I try
To hold onto you
You’d always pull back harder, away.

The fact is that
No matter what I say
No matter what they say
No matter what you say
I still love you,
I still do.

Of Love, Of Loss

Remember the time I said
Your love was like the sunshine
Slowly seeping past my curtains,
While I was sleeping,
Til I wake up from it’s warmth on my cheek?

Remember the time I said
Your love was like a quiet melody
Passively playing in the background
Til it becomes the only thing I hear?

Turns out—

Your love is the sunshine
As at the end of the day,
It’d slowly move away,
Impervious of how I feel,
Of what I need,
Of what I thought I’d given you.

Your love is the song,
With its highs and lows and changing melodies
With the music slowly playing softly,
Fading til it’s gone.

It’s heartbreaking, you know?

It was as if I started out holding your hands,
Without the idea that–
They’d turn to sand and no matter how tight I hold,
You’d end up gone in the end.

It’s difficult to believe–

That you blame all these to yourself,
That I am not the one at fault,
For sure I am, at some point.

It’s easy to pretend–

That I’m so hurt I’d never take you back,
When in truth I want you more than anything else,
That I’m moving on just as you are,
When in truth I am waiting that you’d be back,
That I won’t take you back,
When in truth it’s the only thing I’d ever want.

But then–

I can only hope,
And wait,
And write.

I can only sing,
And live,
And stay.

I know—

You won’t read this,
Not ever.
You won’t hear me,
Not ever–
Not even now, not even then,
Never.

To My Love

There isn’t a night, these past few days, that I didn’t cry for what is happening, and for what I fear might happen. I dread the day for us to talk because it feels as if the more I tell you how much I want to keep you, the more you drift away. You know that I would do everything in my power and more just to keep you and it is heartbreaking to see that none of those seem to matter to you anymore. But if would be hypocritical of me to say that I’m not letting you go easily. I’ve opened up to you the most, you have been closest to me the most among anybody else. I have bared myself to you in ways I never imagined I could. I have shown you all of me– the imperfections, the emotions I would never show anyone else, parts of me I never thought I’d ever expose– trusting that this amount of trust I put in you is enough to prove how much you matter to me. I admit, I have done wrong, and I truly am sorry for whatever it is that I have done which caused you pain– tell me all and I’d apologize for them all. I admit, that no matter how proud, how seemingly unaffected I am, I am not above asking for a chance to make this work, I am not above compromising to make this last. I am not above anything to make you stay. It goes against what they would say– that I shouldn’t do this to myself, that I shouldn’t beg for anything– but I am not above all those because I’d do anything for at least a chance. Forget about you hurting me, to forgive is a part of it, if that’s the only thing holding you back from staying. Yes I, with nothing next to my name, would abandon anything for this. Yes I, with nothing next to my name, would do all these, if only I could make you stay.

If all else fails and you still decide to go on our lives separately, I would like to say that you broke my heart. I would like to say that you hurt me. I would like to say that I believed every single thing you said, that I put all my trust in you, that I have set my heart to rest, thinking I have found the one for me. I would like to say I am embittered because I believed and did everything I can and yet– this.

If all else fails, and I really could not do anything anymore, I know I would have to let you go. Of course, I don’t want to, but it is pointless to insist if you’ve drifted too far away for that. Of course it would mean it would hurt me when you find a new love. Of course it would hurt me because I would wish it was me. Of course it would hurt because it could have been me. But then again, those are beyond what I could do. I love you and I would want to be with you, but I can’t if you don’t feel the same way.

If all else fails, and everything ends then, I would still want to thank you for all the things we’ve been through together. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else, except of course for a chance to make this work. It had been beautiful. It truly was. At this point I am not ready to fully let go, and I’d be lying if I say I’m ok, but it matters so little– if all else fails and this is the truth, then this is the truth that I would have to accept.

The Morning After

It hurts so much
That there is nothing I wouldn’t do,
Yet nothing I could do
To keep you
To make you stay
Or make you love me still.

It hurts so much
That the good night’s
And I love you’s
Started coming less and less
Until they abruptly stopped.

It hurts so much
That every single thing
Is tied to the memory of you,
Of me, of us,
Of none of those anymore.

It hurts so much
That all the things you said
And promised,
All the things I believed,
Would have to be buried,
Away from remembering.

It hurts so much
That I trusted everything onto you,
The fact that you said you’d never leave,
And see it all crumbling before my eyes.

It hurts so much
That I lashed out every single feeling that I have–
Every sorrow, every joy,
Every anger, every love–
To you and only to you,
Confident in my thinking
That I could bare it all
Without you leaving.

It hurts so much
That I want nothing—
Nothing else but you
And I can’t have that
I can’t have you,
Not anymore.

It hurts so much
That I do not understand
Why it all came to this
How it all came to this.

It hurts so much
That there is nothing I can do
Because I believed you.

It hurts so much
To know,
To hear, to read
That you don’t know
If you love me still,
That I can do nothing, still–

It hurts so much
That in my dream
I was chasing you to be mine again,
Waking up to realize,
I don’t even get that chance,
To chase you, to fight for you,
I don’t even get that chance.

It hurts so much
But then again, this is me,
And my life that’s never meant to be happy,
My life that could get so high
Only to plunge back to where it came from.

This is life,
And the fact that it’d keep happening, I—
It hurts so much.
It hurts so much.