On My Solitude

What makes you think I’m lonely?
The silence?
The solitude?

What makes you think this is a relapse?
My history?
My past?

What makes you think I’m struggling?
The fact that I’m not letting anyone in?
The fact that I wouldn’t let anything out?

I’ve let everything out.
Mostly.
I’ve let people in.
Some.
And this–
This isn’t me cr u m  b  l   i    n   g
This isn’t me suffering:

This is me
Immersing
In my self.
This is me
Keeping touch
With who I am.
This I me.
This is who I am.

Day 350

You break my heart
Without you even knowing it
That it scares me
How much it’ll hurt
If you do it.
Consciously.

But.

You make my everyday so much
Still, without you knowing it
That I can’t even begin to imagine
When you do it.
Willingly.

And.

Through the course of our lives
With time slipping past our eyes
Like sand between our fingers
You held me tightly
And I, you.
And we were spinning.
Whirling.
Fast.
Until you let go.
And I,
Grasping thin air
Flew away
Agaisnt my will.

Shattered I landed
Where you first picked me up.
And realized.
That it is I
Who has to put myself back together.
It is I who has to brace myself.
It is I.

And you.
Estranged.
In some place where I don’t think I exist.
Looked back.
Came back.
Wanted to be back.
And so do I.

Yes.
I know now.
This isn’t a peaceful place.
We are nowhere there.
We are in our storm.
But if we stay in the eye.
Eye to eye.
We can make it.

Yes.
I know now.
This isn’t the ideal
Or not how others will think of it, in fact–
This is chaos.
Dysfunctional.
But it’s ours.
And like demeted souls,
We love it.
This beautiful, beautiful “tragedy.”

Just a Person in the Back

Your life is a movie
And I,
A person in the back.
Just there to watch
To fill in the void
To make things seem
Real
Clear
And alive.
And I can’t fail to notice you
At the center stage
And I looked on
Minding less
Of my very own play.

But sometimes
Often times
I forget my place.
I’m just another person.
Someone in the background.
Blended with the rest of the world
As you say your lines
Oblivious
Of who hears it
Of whom it hurts.
I forget my place
And step in
One foot at a time
And you’d notice sometimes
And smile at me
Often times
Tell me
To get back in line.

I’m just a person in the background
And I exist in your world
Only when you want me to.
But know
That there is a reason why
I stay on
I wait on
And if the reason goes
So do I
And by then you’ll stop
And notice that
Something’s amiss
But never be able to point out
What that is.

Should that time come
Though I hope it not to
Remember too
That I have a stage of my own
And you are welcome to join
Or to meet me at the back.

Mid-Hiatus

Breaking the silence–
Self imposed silence
For I can’t calm the storm
Brewing in my mind.
I can’t deny
The panic in my eyes.
Not even to myself–
The only one who knows.
Of names kept
Of times I wept
Of panthom threats
Of heavy breaths
Of unanswered questioning
Of senseless speaking
Of inaudible wails
Of the battle in my mind
Each and every day:
That one side is a lie.
That I must not believe
Everything I say.
That I have made my resolve
To give time the control
To give everything up
To whatever power it is
And I willingly submit
Though I die a little
Each and every time.
Each and every time.

L♥ve

Love.

Is facing your demons
Head on
Because you have the reason to.

Is taking a leap of faith
And trusting the wind
To carry you to safety.

Is walking blindfolded
Listening to the voice in your heart
And his.

Is living each moment.
Oblivious
Of days and weeks and months–

And time does not exist.
Not until you notice
Thay you both are different persons
From who you were before
But the same
In each other’s eyes.

Is faith
That every boundary
Is physical
That space and time
Are powerless
When you both want them to be.

Is trying
Things you’ve never done before
Breaking
Who you thought you were.

Love is.

I Am

I’m not perfect.
Nowhere close.
Not even barely.
But this is how I made myself to be
After the great undoing.
After the fire has exhausted all air
After the ashes had set
I stood up
Crawling first
Stumbling
In tears
On my own feet
Holding onto nothing
But my heart
And the words of my mind
And the few
Who knew
I’ll come through.

This is how I made myself to be
Flawed
And proud.
I have scars
And I got them fighting.
I have pride
And I earned it.
I have faith
And nothing shook it.

This is how I made myself to be
Free
And grounded.
I hold the reins
And I’m learning to ride the waves.
I hold the wheel
And I’m steering carefully.
I hold the key.
And I open doors
Like I’m dying any moment.

This is how I made myself to be
Alone
And brave.
I miss some voices sometimes
But I have learned to substitute them
With words written on pages
With my own.

This is how I made myself to be
I am my own world.
I am my own.
I am mine.
I am.