I’m Back To The Ditch You Found Me In

I’m back to the ditch you found me in,
I’m starting to sink in.
You completed the circle I’ll always be in,
The final piece and it all fits in.

I’m back to the ditch you found me in,
Back to where you exhumed me from.
Back through the push of your words,
Deeper through the pull of mine.

I’m back to the ditch you found me from.
Maybe I’d stay awhile.
Maybe I’d stay forever.
Another cycle will be the death of this heart of mine.

I’m back to the ditch you found me in,
One foot in, slowly wasting away.
Only you know what must be done,
Only you know what shouldn’t have been done.

I’m back to the ditch you found me in,
Barely human, barely sane.
I’ve lost all of me, quite honestly,
Where pride once was, is a tear of plea.

Stream

I guess I was naive,
Optimistic,
Idealistic,
But you were a hundred fold–
More that what was good for you;
More than I deserve.

I guess I trusted the world,
Let it carry me,
Aloft anywhere it whims,
But I lost trust in it–
More than I could carry;
More than I should.

And I just wish that I was whole,
Not a shred of who I was before,
Not a tattered piece of who I call me,
That you loved–
And praised and adored and humbled,
And look at as if all stars have burned out but me.

But you trusted the world,
And though I was trying to regain it,
You trusted it all,
And perhaps you were ignorant–
And blissful, and happy,
And so I was, too.

Life Outside

Of course I have a life outside you;
It’s called waiting to get back in.
It’s called tossing in bed, a movie or two,
It’s called “hours,” though years they seem.

It’s called, “Will you laugh if I say that,”
It’s called, “What will you say if you see this.”
It’s called “Should I sleep first, ’til you come back,”
It’s called “I’ll just wait up, so I won’t miss.”

It’s called remembering– the time before you,
It’s called reliving my sweet solitude.
It’s called thinking what I wish to tell you,
It’s called writing, in lieu of this ineptitude.

Perhaps.

Perhaps it isn’t true,
But what if it is?
And the only way to know
Is to see it through.

Perhaps I’m playing deaf,
So what if I am?
There’s only one way to know–
Let me see it for myself.

Perhaps I’m closing my eyes,
So what if I do?
Just let the hearts speak,
And discern all “lies.”

Perhaps I’m a fool,
And maybe I am.
But I have my own life to live,
I’m nobody’s tool.

TLDR

Turns out, you get an anniversary greeting from WordPress when you hit one year. Noob here.

Anyway, realizing that I’ve been here for a year made me look back and realize how far I’ve gone since a year had passed. I realized that I learned some things, and that these are the things that we always see or hear anywhere, but you’ll never truly understand them until you’ve experienced them yourself.

1. Being happy is a decision.
I used to whine about this. Why can’t I just be happy? Why do I have to decide to be happy? As it turns out, experiencing things makes someone think and feel deeper. It makes us more attached to things, and more affected by them. And so, whenever something happens and affects us negatively, we can’t be happy. But it shouldn’t end there. Everyone has the power to get up and decide to be happy. Sometimes it feels like you are a tree being uprooted from the ground, and it feels weird and unnatural, and you’d rather stay in the comfort of your misery because changes hurt and are hard. Sometimes it feels like you are trying too hard to even smile. Sometimea you hear your own voice saying you’re not fooling anyone. But the important thing is, do it anyway. Decide to be happy.  Decide to not get stressed by every little thing. Decide and understand that you may overthink a little, but that’s normal, then move on. Don’t stay where the bad thoughts are. Imagine how much you can do if you transfer all those energy you spend making yourself miserable into making yourself happy and better.

2. You have to make things happen for yourself.
The truth is, the world does not owe you anything. It is under no obligation to make life easy for you, or to leave you out of the nasty parts, so you can enjoy all the good stuff. But all’s fair since it applies to all. So you need to make things happen for yourself. You need to work for yourself. You need to make do with what you have. You need to push on, because if you don’t noone will do it for you. Yes, some people help  but all will be in vain if you don’t help yourself.

3. Smile at the world and the world smiles back at you.
The world in this part, as opposed to #2, is the world of people, and all the things we interact with. I remember greeting people before asking questions or anything, and if you do, they’ll be more accommodating. Courtesy goes a long way. Look at things in the positive light, and you’ll see things as good. Treat people respect, act repectfully, and they’ll do the same for you. Learn how to ask for help, and know when to give a hand.

4. Value relationships
Over the course of time, I lost and gained friends. And only time will tell who will stay and who will not. Of couse this means that we all are lost and found friends. Somebody lost us, in some way, which is humbling. But for the relationships that stay on, learn to appreciate them. I still feel weird talking about feelings and emotions with my bestfriend, but I’m sure we got each other’s backs. My sister and I are closer than ever, after we lost our dad. We lost are dad and it saddens me to remember, but I’m happy to say I made the most of our time together. Nothing lasts forever, so make sure every moment counts.

5. Take leaps of faith.
Most of the time, it’s scary. But once it works, it’s worth the scare. It’s wonderful. It’s good. Sometimes it feels like a jump into the void, but is there any way to know where it leads? Is it enough to live vicariously, afraid that something horrible might happen? Yes, something horrible might happen, but what if, in its place, something wonderful happens? It scares me, too, I admit. And most of the time, I’m unsure of what I’m doing, if I’m doing the right thing. However Letters from the Future ends, I’m going to see it through. Note: Take leaps of faith. Don’t jump into everything. Know the difference. I think some people call it calculated risk.  Probably, look it up first.

6. Don’t believe everything an internet post tells you.
As I always say, I know I am yet to experience a lot of things. I’m not yet near the end of my life (unless I die next week) or even half of it (unless I die at 40). So all these things are just my reflections in the things that I went through. It may or may not apply to you, dear reader who put up with my internet litter and managed to not give up reading this post. But more importantly, take time to reflect. Maybe you’d burrowed your face too much into the details that you forget to step back a little and look at the bigger picture. You’ll definitely have different observations and reflections, and that is awesome. Things like this, as I said, are not learned vicariously. So you must do it yourself. For yourself.

So to you who read all throughout, thank you very much. I don’t often upload lengthy post and I don’t expect people to read it, so your effort is much appreciated. I just feel like I need to share these things. And don’t we all? My infinite gratitude to you, and if you are in trouble as you are reading this, my heart goes out to you. QED.

When All.

When the anger that fuels the passion dies down,
When the boiling blood thickens so it can write no more,
I’d lie as the husk of my previous self,
Devoid of all words and ink,
Used up by flame that consumed my mind,
Hollowed up, with nothing behind.

When all hate leaves and nothing stays,
Not even one comes to replace,
I’d be lost with no purpose– what now?
Trapped in the limbo of my own making,
The mediocrity of the mind, and hypocrisy of the heart–
It leaves me hurting;
I’ll live hurting.

When all are but stories to tell someone,
A dismembered you, known by none,
It’ll be the air that makes you look back,
And the dark that’ll hide what you’ll never unpack.
And you’ll wish it’s over, but it isn’t.
Is it, or isn’t not?
I probably have missed it.